(First published in Points in Case – June 27,2017)
Do we really want to do this? Make contact?
Say we do and the ET’s have accepted our invitation. Unfortunately, two-hundred and six arrive at once. They’re the size of blue whales, strip our electrical grid of high-tension wires for bedding, make a communal nest covering half of Minnesota, snort atomic breath worse than Godzilla’s and never change the socks on their five feet. How do we get rid of them?
1. Show vacation pictures from their home planet on a network of Jumbotrons in their compound.
2. Don’t tell them anything about Toaster Strudels. Or about anything Gooey, Flakey, and Happy.
3. Open a DMV office in their community, and insist that they register their vehicles.
4. Make sure all their cell towers run 2G only.
5. Start a philosophical argument among them, say, Pascal’s Wager, then run.
6. Explain that all humans on earth are part of a single organism, and twins are expected anytime now.
7. Bulldoze a landing zone next to their hangout and lay out a giant sign, visible from space that reads: “Vacancy”.
8. Have all humans talk like The Beverly Hillbillies whenever in their company. Remember, that’s “Weeelll Doggies!”.
9. Tell them we’re aliens too and have been trying to leave for centuries, but the planet’s original inhabitants are invisible and took our socks. And our keys.
10. Remove all the road signs in their area. Exit signs, rest areas, attractions, speed limits. Make all toll booths E-Z Pass only, and refuse to accept the Galactic Credit Standard for payment.
11. Invite them to a monthly, world-wide Conehead Festival, at which only beer in 6-packs and whole cartons of cigarettes are consumed whole. Convince them that standing in as a target for Ring-Toss is a great honor.
12. Show them plans for a wall around their compound and tell them that they’ll be paying for it.
13. Remove the ‘alt’ and ‘right (arrow)’ functions from their computers. Leave the non-functioning keycaps in place just for fun. Now watch them try to command their pets in League of Legends. Or their Super PACs.
14. Put their spaceships on Craigslist along with their current home and cell phone numbers; offer free test rides around the Solar System.
15. Invite HGTV to their compound to scout the location for a new series ‘Tiny House, Big Alien’, and have a few dozen old shipping containers delivered to their compound in advance.
16. Tell them their compound has been built on a swamp and the government has just awarded a contract to drain it.
17. A Coachella, Burning Man and SXSW shootout will be held in their compound to resolve once and for all which is best. The entire human race will be attending. In assless chaps.
18. Replace all their light switches with The Clapper, cruelly: they have no hands.
19. Get Amazon to change their Prime shipping service level to two days, even for orders that qualify.
(Graphic by the author)