(First published in Five:2:One Magazine – August 20, 2018

Ambien has been getting its fair share of bad press lately, blamed for all manner of bad manners. Here are some related drugs with equally horrific potential side effects:

Take to control the anxiety caused when the cartoon kid’s club-banging gets to be a little too much. Known side effects include a desire to operate hazardous machinery such as the Bronto Crane, Dinosaur Mower, Swordfish Knife, and Porcupine Hairbrush. This is what happens when you fail to keep this and other medicines out of the reach of children. Packaged with adhesive bandages and gauze for minor injuries. Available as fruity, chewable gummies; comes with a tiny replica Stone Age club for help hitting the ‘snooze’ bar on bedside clocks.

For relief from the despair caused by an inbox too full of phishing ploys, malware links and offers of romance, investment opportunities, charities, pc repair, offers of payday loans, timeshare resales, collection agencies, work-from-home or family emergency scams. Women who are nursing, nursing a hangover, nursing a drink, getting a nursing degree, nursing a grudge, registering as a nurse, or considering a nursing shark as a pet, should not take Spambien. That goes for men, too. A stuffy nose, dry mouth, or sore throat may result.

Helps students absorb large amounts of information in short periods of time. Stop taking Crambien if you continue to think critically or experience any symptoms of cognitive reasoning or any mental activity beyond rote memorization. Crambien may not prevent compulsive nest-building, binge eating, chugging, highlighting, or other mindless diversions during the cramming session. Crambien CR, the extended-release form, contains a stimulant for all-night study.

For relief from the sleeplessness caused by the sugar rush from a diet rich in S’mores. Do not take Grahambien if you are pregnant, vagrant, flagrant, indignant, unpleasant, adolescent, or expect to become a defendant. Do not take Grahambien if you plan to drive, operate machinery, pilot an airplane, or do anything that requires you to be awake and alert, penitent, contrite, or regretful. In ointment form, the medication also cuts through the goo on fingers and lifts molten marshmallow and chocolate drizzle from clothing.

For relief from the threat of surface-to-air missiles, that your airline ticket buys you the seat of a pawn in some international temper tantrum rather than an innocent overdue family vacation. Will cause risk-taking behavior. Some patients report no fear of overhead bins, crying babies, seatback kicking, stale air, or thoughts of suicide or hurting oneself or others. Do not take SAMbien if you expect to survive the cloud of shrapnel or blast wave or razorized bulkhead beams or instant decompression in sub-zero temperatures and fall strapped in, plunging earthward Gibreel-ish, like novelistic tidbits of tobacco falling from Salman Rushdie’s cigar, tray table locked in the upright position, and it, along with the rest of the blip the world that was your plane and life and family on radar, are long gone.

For help in managing the misery of having to construct rhymes in the Seussian ‘AABB’ or ‘ABCB’ schema when confronted with a choice of eggs served with ham green as a pear, here or there, with or without your socks, in or out of a box. Tell your doctor if you experience sudden changes in mood while taking GreenEggs&Hambien, over here or there, wherever they are, so big or so small, in a house or a car.

Prevent your spinoff from spinning you off. Take before and during and after a hit show to prevent tone-deaf tweeting of incendiary messages ‘abhorrent, repugnant and inconsistent with the values’ of network management, imperiling your present employment and that of hundreds of others, along with royalties, syndication rights, awards, endorsements and spin-offs. Will likely cause new or worsening symptoms of no use reporting to your doctor, particularly if you are: hawkish, mawkish, bupkes, raucous, mishegas, covfefic, or experience any risk-taking behavior, all the better to strangle, wrangle, unduly entangle, or mangle the banners of stars oh say can you see spangled.