(First published in Arcadia Magazine – October 12, 2015)
For Immediate Release
Urban Outwitters® ships 10,000,000th order
REDMOND, Wash. – November 10, 2016 – 9 pairs of Apologeans® are shipped to 1 First Street Northeast, Washington DC, address of the Supreme Court compliments of the ACLU, marking the 10 millionth order shipped by Urban Outwitters®
Navigating the confusing, upended and treacherous paths of political correctness and social etiquette has never been harder. At Urban Outwitters®, (‘Urban-O®’), they don’t just sell the world’s best line of Engineered Social Fabrics. Their products keep you PC while looking your best in utmost comfort and safety as you hunt that assenting opinion or position. And steer clear of all things discordant. And possibly offensive. Get by unscathed with their wearable SAFE® ‘Situational Awareness and Friendly Engagement®’ technology, exclusively from Urban-O®.
“Nothing could make us prouder than to have our 10,000,000th order received by SCOTUS, and signed for by John Roberts himself” says Deano Mah-Bell, CEO of Urban-O®. “And Apolojeans® continue to lead their segment worldwide.”
If your faux pas is social and the untoward should happen, slip into a pair of their Apologeans®: they’ll acknowledge your offense, and redress will suggest itself to the affronted party, instantly and discretely. Your choice of light, medium, or heavy twill Con-Jeanial® denim, this casual pant features the only available expanding coin-pocket on the market today for storing all the social change you care to bank, and their exclusive Machiabelly® waistband for a flattering, princely fit.
“Celebrating our 10 Millionth, this week only: 50% off all Tread-Lites® trail boots and hikers, the footgear you need when you want to walk a thin line without affront and leave a carbonless footprint. Enter the coupon code ‘10Mil’, and get a second pair of Mock-a-Sins® slippers for your significant other free when you buy the first!”
Other products that continue to own their segments, and put the ‘awe’ in awesomely, socially-responsible performance:
Urban-O® Caps: do more than protect from sun, rain and cold. Thanks to their exclusive programmable Hat-Trick® technology, one tap of the brim and whatever you show on the peak fades instantly to just your name or simple repeating pattern. Gone is the flag, slogan, icon, snarl word or symbol that you sense is about to provoke any high-hats you might encounter.
Put strangers at ease après-rally or pre-caucus in their FairHair® line of casual shirting. Stay accessible with their generously-sized Out-of-Pockets®, and be your penitent best with SacriLok® seams that won’t chafe or offend. Layer with a ThinSkinsulate® shell when the reception is frigid or the winds of change blow, to keep you warmly received while preventing insults getting your goat.
You’re Head Honcho in their Ponchos lined with Bore-Tex®, repelling the mundane, without offense. Stay untouched by gale-force banalaties, showers of clichés and tropes of tripe.
Their Camojo® special cloaking patterns based on the emotions in the wild allow you to work your charms and magic undetected. Available on all outerwear, blends perfectly with any social situation. Chose from Bossy Oak®, Pining Barren®, Two-To-Tangle®, Dew Diligence®, Rorschach Pest® or High-Horse® patterns. Features Scent-Bloc® liner to mask fear and loathing downwind. Or upstream, if the need arises. With or without a paddle.
Cry-Dry® coatings now standard on their scarves, bandanas and wraps blot crocodile tears noiselessly, keeping your location safe and your position on most things left for others to guess.
Cordial-Roy® casual slacks are virtue you can wear. Looking good while avoiding cultural blunder or social indiscretion never looked, well, so good! Available in warm, sympathetic, and supportive carbon-neutral colors, and Wale-Watch® cord widths 4, 7, and 10.
The low nap of the suede-like shell of Go-Ballistic® Nylon featured on their new windbreakers have been tested to resist burs, seeds of change, clingy sycophants or stinging rebukes.
Crack-the-Whipcord® is a durable twill which, when worn in the workplace, subtly insists workers into higher productivity, without confrontation or insult.
New! The pocketable Urban-O® Moral Compass® for faultless navigation through all social situations, comes with a handy hardcase made of Carbon-Neutral® Fiber.
“Remember, all Urban Outwitters® garments are made from carbon-neutral, sustainable, and wherever possible, recycled material. Our motto: The Furs are Faux, Returns are ‘DOH!’, our Wait’s for Godot, and our Quid is Pro Quo®.”
(Graphic by the author)